smith-rubio family xmas update, 10th annual edition

Holy shit, this is the tenth time I’ve done this? To be honest, there’s been enough good news in our family this year that I don’t have it in me to spew out too much snark. So I’ll offer some highlights from years past. But first:

Spot is still alive! Our first Spot was a girl, but she passed away many years ago, and this Spot is a boy. You can tell by the scar where his balls used to be.

Now, since xmas is nothing without nostalgic looks back, the history of the Smith-Rubio Family Xmas Update.

2002: The beginning of a tradition. This one was full of happy news, all of it made up, of course. I didn’t get a single comment, which made me think perhaps happy news wasn’t what the audience wanted.

2003: The original girl Spot died of a urinary infection, after spending her final days peeing on all the furniture. I was out of work. Robin punched me out, so I broke her foot, which led to my incarceration. Still no comments, which made me think perhaps Xmas Updates were not what the audience wanted.

2004: We got a replacement, male Spot. Robin went to work at a place she liked so much she is still there. Things were looking up. All of which elicited the first-ever Xmas Update Comment, which asked if I’d gone soft with the return of the happy stuff. Which made me think perhaps I have no idea what people like about these updates.

2005: This post was so mellow, it got 400% more comments. The mellow nature of things was probably due to the Wellbutrin and Depakene I started taking that year.

2006: Perhaps the most reflective Xmas Update ever. Don’t believe me? Here’s a direct quote: “a tip of the cap to the supreme being.”

2007: Still the most infamous Xmas Update in the history of Steven Rubio’s Online Life. The second paragraph began, “Xmas ... how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.” I called everyone out for being fake friends, bitched about religion, complained that Santa Claus wasn’t real, said I thought Spot was dead, and finished by quoting Lou Reed’s lyrics to “Street Hassle” (the one that begins, “hey, that cunt’s not breathing”). The comments section erupted. My wife said I was overcompensating for the good feelings my meds gave me … my niece gently showed her ever-present good side … a friend said my Xmas Updates always pissed him off … my daughter called me out for making her feel bad … my son quoted Cee-Lo.

2008: I tried to make up for the previous year, talking about our new big-screen TV. Then I screwed it up by posting a video of Randy Newman singing “God’s Song (That’s Why I Love Mankind)”. God left a comment.

2009: Arguably the shortest Update ever, this had a picture of Spot and a video of Pink. I didn’t have the snark in me, I guess.

2010: This sums up not only the year 2010, but what followed. I posted a video of the last out of the World Series, a moment of ecstasy for Giants fans. I just checked it, and saw this: “This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by MLB Advanced Media.”

Here’s a Carrie moment to finish off our xmas cheer: