my favorites ... ever

oscar run xi: pirates of the caribbean: dead man's chest

Three years ago, I wrote the following:

Let's make this quick. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is as bloated as its title. It's an hour longer than it needs to be, it substitutes explosions and endless stupid sword fights for actual entertainment, and without Johnny Depp is simply wouldn't be worth sitting through. (It was fun to see Gareth from The Office as a zombie pirate, though.) Depp treats the movie the way Laurence Olivier used to treat potboilers, as an excuse to have some fun with acting, and the fun is contagious ... Depp is a delight to watch, the only thing that keeps you from falling asleep. He deserves his Oscar nomination. The other four noms (makeup, sound, sound editing, and visual effects) are the kind of thing you give crap like this to reward the technicians who worked so hard. Five on a scale of ten.

The sequel is more of the same, only worse. It’s as putrid as the breath of Davy Jones’ monster. The first film was too long … the sequel is seven minutes longer. There are more explosions and more endless stupid sword fights, yet the movie manages to make it through 150 minutes without a moment of actual entertainment. Johnny Depp is one of my favorite actors, but most of his movies suck, and this one sucks more than most. Once again, the Oscar nominations give away the movie’s secrets: art direction, sound, sound editing, and visual effects. Nothing human in any of those. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is almost completely worthless. I’ll be kind and give it three on a scale of ten, because I laughed once when a bad guy dropped his head, and because I went “whoa!” once in two and a half hours (the big giant wheel was cool for the first 20 seconds or so, which left another ten minutes of that scene, of course).