Note that he did the entire speech as "Stephen Colbert" from The Colbert Report.
"I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."
"And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior."
"Guys like us [he and Bush], we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well-known liberal bias."
"It's like the movie Rocky. The president in this case is Rocky Balboa, and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world.... Every time he falls, everybody says 'Stay down, Rock, stay down!' But does he stay down? No! Like Rocky he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie."
[Pointing at Bush] "I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world!"
"The greatest thing about this man is that he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday -- no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change. This man's beliefs never will."
"Fox News gives you both sides of every story. The president's side, and the vice president's side."
"Over the last five years, you people [the press] were so good, over tax cuts, WMD intelligence ... global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out."
"Let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The president makes decisions, he's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions. And you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you've got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction!"
"The White House has personnel changes. And then you write, 'Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.' ... That is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring! If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!"
[About interviewing Jesse Jackson] "It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is."
"Senator McCain, so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I've actually got a summer house in South Carolina. Look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University."
"Joe Wilson, right down here in front. The most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course, he brought along his lovely wife, Valerie Plame. Oh my god! Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson's wife."