dead computer
exchanging names

hurtful things

(Jon Carroll of the Chronicle often writes about cats. Some people like those columns, some of us don't. He therefore warns people at the top of most cat columns: "here comes a cat column." I wonder sometimes if I should that with Buffy. Anyway, this is not a Buffy column.)

Last night on Buffy, Spike, also known as William the Bloody, an infamous vampire who has recently regained his soul, warned Buffy that she should kill him because she didn't know what he was capable of when he was in Bloody mode. Some of us are like that ... we imagine that we have this enormous power over the world, that we have to exercise extreme caution else we'll destroy that world, that we are at heart simply bad, and can't be trusted. People like me are mostly self-indulgent blowhards when we adopt this attitude ("look out, I'm gonna get mad, and then you'll see!"). Spike, it should be noted, is self-indulgent to be sure, but like Dizzy Dean used to say, it ain't braggin' if you can do it.

The thing is, I am not really the type of person who consciously does hurtful things. I have been that person at times in the past, and I suppose I'm still capable of it ... but mostly not. I keep an eye on myself, make certain I don't overtly hurt anyone.

But I'm so self-absorbed that sometimes I hurt people inadvertently. I lollygag around in my own little world, never imagining I could have any real impact on others, and I say and do stuff that reaches out beyond my little world and hurts folks.

I've been writing this blog for almost a year, and I'm solipsistically devoted to exposing myself in the process. But once in awhile, I talk about other people in this venue. I do this because they interest me, because I know some terrific people. But it's not good to treat the lives of others as just another anecdote for the blog. And the way search engines work these days, you can be certain that even a rarely-read blog like this one is searchable. You can be certain if you talk about someone, someone else will find out. And then the hurt begins, and all because I was all la-de-da about the lives of others.

So if you've ever been hurt by something on this blog, I apologize.

(P.S. This is my first blog entry written on our new computer. I couldn't live without my machine.)